Dumb Things Newsweek Believes

This was a remarkably snarky list, and the Enlightenment rationalism informing it is almost blinding. I mean, really?

It seems obvious that it's not a good idea to put too much stock in witchcraft. But it turns out that 21 percent of Americans believe there are real sorcerors, conjurers, and warlocks out there. And that's just one of the several paranormal beliefs common among Americans, according to Gallup: 41 percent believe in ESP, 32 percent in ghosts, and a quarter in astrology. In fairness, the numbers in this poll are a little old—they date back to 2005. But then again, if people haven't changed their mind since the Enlightenment, it's not clear another half decade would make much difference.

Yeah, cause as we all know, "There's no such thing as witches. There's no such thing as witches. There's no such thing as witches.  There's no such thing as witches.  There's no such thing as witches. There's no such thing as witches. There's no such thing as witches. There's no such thing as witches."

Don't use anything at any of those links. Just--honestly.  Newsweek, what was that supposed to be about?  And what are the people polled going to say when asked those questions, when they know their next door neighbor meets with the other neo-pagans for rituals, or the high school has a bunch of kids trying out wicca, or...anyway.  Yes, true, don't put too much stock in witchcraft. Not a safe row to hoe.

For anyone who needs help getting out of magic (no I will NOT use that dumb modern fakey spelling)/closing the doors opened by the occult/protection and help from on high:

For emergencies:

Jesus, help!

Mary and Joseph, pray for me!

St. Benedict, pray for me!

Guardian Angel, help!

Father God, help!

Saints and angels, help me!

Repentance is key:

O my God,
I am heartily sorry for
having offended Thee,
and I detest all my sins,
because I dread the loss of heaven,
and the pains of hell;
but most of all because
they offend Thee, my God,
Who are all good and
deserving of all my love.
I firmly resolve,
with the help of Thy grace,
to confess my sins,
to do penance,
and to amend my life.

Amen.

Jesus loves to help:

Soul of Christ, sanctify me
Body of Christ, save me
Blood of Christ, inebriate me
Water from Christ's side, wash me
Passion of Christ, strengthen me
O good Jesus, hear me
Within Thy wounds hide me
Suffer me not to be separated from Thee
From the malicious enemy defend me
In the hour of my death call me
And bid me come unto Thee
That I may praise Thee with Thy saints
and with Thy angels
Forever and ever
Amen.

and/or

My Jesus,
I believe that You
are present in the Most Holy Sacrament.
I love You above all things,
and I desire to receive You into my soul.
Since I cannot at this moment
receive You sacramentally,
come at least spiritually into my heart. I embrace You as if You were already there and unite myself wholly to You. Never permit me to be separated from You.

Amen.

The Trinity:

In the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit. Amen.

V. Lord, open my lips.
R. And my mouth shall declare Thy praise.
V. O God, come to my assistance.
R. O Lord, make haste to help me.
V. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
R. As it was in the beginning, is now and will be forever. Amen.

The decade below is recited three times, once for each member of the Trinity.

All: Holy God! Holy Strong One! Holy Immortal One, have mercy upon us.

V. Our Father, Who art in heaven, hallowed be Thy name. Thy kingdom come. Thy  will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. Give us this day our daily bread and forgive us  our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us. And lead us not into  temptation, but deliver us from evil. Amen.

The following part of the decade is repeated nine times

V. To Thee, O Blessed Trinity, be praise, and honor, and thanksgiving, for ever and  ever!
R. Holy, holy, holy Lord, God of hosts. Heaven and earth are filled with Thy glory.
V. Glory be to the Father, and to the Son, and to the Holy Spirit,
R. As it was in the beginning, is now and will be forever. Amen.

End of Decade

Antiphon

God the Father unbegotten, only-begotten Son, and Holy Spirit, the Comforter; holy  and undivided Trinity, with all our hearts we acknowledge Thee: Glory to Thee forever.
V. Let us bless the Father, and the Son with the Holy Spirit.
R. Be praised and exalted above all things forever.

Let us pray,
Almighty, ever-living God, who has permitted us Thy servants, in our profession of  the true faith, to acknowledge the glory of the eternal Trinity, and in the power of that  majesty to adore the Unity, grant, that by steadfastness in this same faith, we may be  ever guarded against all adversity: through Christ our Lord.

All: Amen

All: Set us free, save us, vivify us, O Blessed Trinity!

The Woman with enmity for the Serpent

Remember, O most gracious Virgin Mary, that never was it known that anyone who fled to thy protection, implored thy help, or sought thine intercession was left unaided.

Inspired by this confidence, I fly unto thee, O Virgin of virgins, my mother; to thee do I come, before thee I stand, sinful and sorrowful. O Mother of the Word Incarnate, despise not my petitions, but in thy mercy hear and answer me.

Amen.

or

Most Holy Virgin Mary, Help of Christian,
how sweet it is to come to your feet
imploring your perpetual help.
If earthly mothers cease not to remember their children,
how can you, the most loving of all mothers forget me?
Grant then to me, I implore you,
your perpetual help in all my necessities,
in every sorrow, and especially in all my temptations.
I ask for your unceasing help for all who are now suffering.
Help the weak, cure the sick, convert sinners.
Grant through your intercessions many vocations to the religious life.
Obtain for us, O Mary, Help of Christians,
that having invoked you on earth we may love and eternally thank you in heaven.

St. Michael

St. Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle.
Be our defense against the wickedness and snares of the Devil.
May God rebuke him, we humbly pray,
and do thou,
O Prince of the heavenly hosts,
by the power of God,
thrust into hell Satan,
and all the evil spirits,
who prowl about the world
seeking the ruin of souls. Amen.

or

Glorious Saint Michael, Prince of the heavenly hosts, who stands always ready to give assistance to the people of God; who fought with the dragon, the old serpent, and cast him out of heaven, and now valiantly defends the Church of God that the gates of hell may never prevail against her, I earnestly entreat you to assist me also, in the painful and dangerous conflict which I sustain against the same formidable foe.

Be with me, O mighty Prince! that I may courageously fight and vanquish that proud spirit, whom you, by the Divine Power, gloriously overthrew, and whom our powerful King, Jesus Christ, has, in our nature, completely overcome; so having triumphed over the enemy of my salvation, I may with you and the holy angels, praise the clemency of God who, having refused mercy to the rebellious angels after their fall, has granted repentance and forgiveness to fallen man. Amen.

Your Guardian Angel

Angel of God,
my guardian dear,
To whom God's love
commits me here,
Ever this day,
be at my side,
To light and guard,
Rule and guide.

Amen.

Your patron saints (name saints, confirmation saints, the saint of your parish/town/country, family names, any connection.)

For ongoing assistance, the sacraments are hugely important. Also helpful (any one or all of them): the St. Benedict Medal, the Rosary and the Divine Mercy chaplet are good friends. For serious problems, definitely get hold of a holy priest--they'll know what to do.

St. John the Wonderworker (both ancient and modern,) pray for us!