Dear Slate: You Don't Get It

Gah. Excerpts:

...But his conservative politics aren't that different from Benedict, making him more of a "status quo" choice, as the Associated Press explains in their profile of him...

Turkson, like Ouellet, would be a demographically different choice for the church, but not really a theological one (he's also pretty conservative)...

That's probably why he's topping a handful of papal contender lists—as basically theologically identical to Benedict XVI but with more charisma and a better global reach, Scola would make sense given the Vatican's reluctance to change...

Cardinal Angelo Bagnasco, 69, Italy. He's another conservative, Italian choice...

But he's not experienced pastorally, and his theology is apparently more moderate than the pope emeritus, NBC explains...

Unlike Benedict, Sherer has supported the social justice and poverty-focused message of liberation theology—popular in Latin America but considered too liberal by other wings of the church—but slammed what he says is its use of "Marxism as a tool of analysis." Sherer is globally moderate but regionally conservative...

Dolan is a conservative, theologically...

All right, for what feels like the thousandth time: liberal and conservative really consistently fail to actually describe where people stand within the Catholic Church, let alone where the Church herself stands. And Oullet's theological stances are not the same thing as his "politics." Christian sexual morality, however culturally identified with conservatism, is independent of politics. The Vatican is not supposed to be eager to embrace change, as Penn Jillette understands. The revelation given to the Church to safeguard and promulgate is the deposit of faith, not the checking account of faith. We don't empty it and refill it with the spirit of the age. Rather, it's an endless treasury of grace, of truth.

Bleah.  Guys, it's not that hard.  Spend this time waiting for results reading Pope Benedict XVI's interview books, and/or the works of John Allen and George Weigel--you'll be ready to report on the next Pope's election.